


Thinking of You

by bextons



Category: Never Have I Ever (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Coming Out, Drinking, Drug Use, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Future Fic, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Multi, References to Depression, Sex, Slow Burn, Weddings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:42:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24487654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bextons/pseuds/bextons
Summary: This is a future fic 6 years after high school graduation (So about 8 1/2 years after where season 1 left off). Fabiola is getting married, and Devi is going to see Ben for the first time in 4 years. Paxton has come out as gay, and she is still close with some of her high school friends. There are a lot of flashbacks to times between where season 1 left off and the current timeline. It is angst and slow burn between the two of them.
Relationships: Ben Gross & Devi Vishwakumar, Ben Gross/Devi Vishwakumar, Eve (Never Have I Ever)/Fabiola Torres, Fabiola Torres & Devi Vishwakumar & Eleanor Wong, Fabiola Torres/Original Character, Paxton Hall-Yoshida/Devi Vishwakumar (Platonic), Paxton Hall-Yoshida/Original Character(s)
Comments: 31
Kudos: 58





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was really inspired by the song "That's All" by Mauwe.  
> This is the first fic I have written in probably about 10 years, so please let me know if it's good or if it's bad... and if you like it.  
> I think this first chapter might be really short, but I wanted to get it out there. I'm also trash at formatting.. so I apologize.  
> Thank you.

My best friend was getting married. I was so happy for her, but that also meant that I was going to have to see Ben… I had been trying to come to terms with that fact for almost an entire year since she sent out the RSVPs.  
My best friend Fabiola was marrying Aileen, who she met at MIT… the love of her life. It had been 6 years since we all graduated high school, and I only really kept in touch with a few of my friends from back then. I went to Princeton, and everything from my high school world fell away.  
I of course was still friends with Fabiola and Eleanor. We promised to get together at least twice a year if we could. I was still friends with Paxton, who came out to me our senior grad night at Disneyland as he simultaneously broke up with me. I was happy for him of course, but I couldn’t help but be sad because I had broken things off with Ben to explore things with Paxton… things with Paxton were so on and off that I wasn’t surprised we weren’t meant to last. Ben of course got back together with Shira, and things weren’t really the same between us. He never held disdain for me, and we still were friends, but it just was never the same… our connection didn’t survive the rift. Honestly, I missed when we were rivals… because at least we spoke more. 

Ben went off to Yale, and last I heard he was engaged to an instagram model that his parents introduced him to. We were still friends on social media, and he seemed happy, but there was something in his eyes… something was missing. 

Things were not quite the success for me. I met a guy named Brian at Princeton that not one of my friends liked or my mother for that matter. Yet, I got married to him 3 months after graduating from Princeton, and next thing I knew we were expecting a child 3 months after that. Cut to today and I had no husband, and no baby. We unfortunately had lost the child, and our marriage couldn’t survive it. Shortly after he left, I found out that I couldn’t have children at all. 

All of these thoughts and feelings came flooding back at seeing Fab’s save the date reminder. It was something I honestly hadn’t thought about in awhile, because it was too hard to think about. Sometimes I wonder if I had just stayed with Ben… if things would have turned out differently. I wondered if he ever thought about me still. I would be seeing him in a few short weeks, and it shook me. 

As if he knew I was upset about something, I was getting a FaceTime from Paxton.  
“Hey Pax.” I answered as cheerily as I could muster.  
“Devi… what’s wrong?” He responded while widening his eyes expectantly.  
“How do you always fucking know?”  
“It’s a gift… and a curse, trust me.” Paxton said with a laugh. 

We talked for about an hour, and I vented to him about everything. I could tell I had hurt his feelings a little insinuating that our relationship shouldn’t have happened, which is not what I meant at all. My mind had just been full of so many what ifs lately. I certainly never imagined that Paxton and I would be so close if we weren’t dating. I was so grateful to have him in my life though. He had actually gone to Princeton with me. He got in through the Aquatics department.  
We also ended up talking about the last time I had seen Ben, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it for hours after our phone call. 

The last time I saw Ben was actually because he had the same Major as my ex-husband… then boyfriend. They had some weird mixer thing to basically line up a job after graduation, or at the very least a graduate school recommendation. It was mostly a bunch of white men.  
I was bored as hell, and pretty drunk off the open bar.  


“David.. is that you.” I smiled to myself so wide because I knew exactly who it was, and turned around and retorted, “I’m not sure Gross, is it me?”  
We talked for a good hour. Reminiscing about high school and laughing so loud. I couldn’t remember the last time I was that happy.  
“Devi, you look so beautiful tonight, why are you alone?” He asked out of nowhere.

It caught me off guard… he rarely would call me by my actual name, only back when we were together. 

“Well, Gross… you don’t look too bad yourself.” Neglecting to answer his question, but he really did look handsome. 

He’d gotten a bit taller, and he was definitely jacked underneath that suit he was wearing. He took off his jacket at one point, and I had to stop myself from blushing.  


Ben and I had gotten together shortly after we kissed in his car after Malibu. My mom was surprisingly chill with us being together, as long as we didn’t get in the way of each other’s academics, and obviously always hung out where she could see us. I was not allowed to go to his house because she knew his parents were rarely home. I would always have to make up excuses and leave my phone at Eleanors or Fabiola’s if I wanted some alone time with my boyfriend, so my mom wouldn’t get suspicious as she was always tracking my location.  
I remember everything came flooding back as we were talking. The first night we spent together, where we did nothing but talk, and laugh and sleep cuddled very close to each other. He didn’t want to rush things or make me feel pressured. He of course had already slept with Shira, and I had slept with nobody since Paxton obviously didn’t have sex with me as planned. 

I remembered the first night we actually slept together, and turned away and asked the bartender for a shot of Jameson.  
“Going hard David… better make that two.” He said with a laugh.

I could tell he was thinking of our past too because we both kept going silent for a minute or two, and looking away. There was always so much left unsaid between the two of us. We were always afraid of really talking after things ended between us, and it sucked because I really missed our all night talks and the warmth of his body cradling mine. We really did fit together perfectly, as cliche as that sounded. It just worked. 

At that point I had had too much to drink, and I blurted out, “I’m sorry for breaking things off for Paxton… that clearly worked out well.” 

“Hey… Devi.. it’s okay. You had no way of knowing, because I don’t even think he knew himself.. and you and I were never going to work out if you didn’t see what you two had. I mean you got a best friend out of it with him anyways..”

I really missed how genuine and sweet and caring Ben could be. He put his hand on my hand that was resting on my thigh, and squeezed. I went to turn his way, about to tell him just how much I missed him and how badly I wanted to kiss him right then and there when Brian came up behind him.

“Hey Babe… who’s this?” He gave Ben a funny eye and looked back to me. I could see the look in Ben’s eyes when he heard the word babe. We always promised to never call each other that, I mean hell we constantly made fun of people who did call each other babe. I could always feel what he was thinking. 

“Hey Bri, this is Ben.. you know my k-12 rival that has shaped me into the lady I am today.” I said, seeing Ben laugh to himself, and get up to shake Brian’s hand. I let them talk, and immediately excused myself to call Paxton and Fabiola… I had never told Brian that Ben and I had dated for a year. When I got back, Ben was gone, and I left feeling sad that our time was cut short. I loved Brian, I definitely did, but I couldn’t stop thinking about Ben that night. As I recalled all this to Paxton, I decided I needed a drink, and a good long bath.


	2. Chapter 2

I woke up to a FaceTime call from Eleanor. I looked at the clock and it was 8 am, and it was the weekend, so I answered the call quite annoyed.  
“Dude… it’s 8 am on a saturday…. What’s super important right now?”  
“Girl… I do not need your sass right now… I have something important I need to tell you.” She said; she looked really giddy.

Eleanor married Oliver right out of high school, which shocked nobody. She was exactly the type of girl who would marry her high school sweetheart. They both went to community college, too afraid of breaking up if they went long distance. Eventually they both decided to move to New York and pursue their Broadway dreams. Ben’s ex Shira had made it big out in New York as Public Relations for some of Broadway’s biggest stars, so she definitely pulled some strings to get them started. 

Surprisingly Shira was never who we thought she would be in high school. There was a lot more to her than met the eye. She wasn’t a great girlfriend to Ben, and she wasn’t the smartest, but she grew to be a very good friend to us all towards the end of high school. I always thought I’d resent her or dislike her since she was Ben’s first, but I realized being that petty wasn’t worth it. 

“Devi… I have something to tell you but can you please not tell Fab yet, because I don’t want to take anything away on her big day but I also like NEED to tell someone.” Eleanor pleaded with me via FaceTime as she widened her eyes.  
“Fiiiiine,” I sighed heavily at her.  
“Okay… OLIVER AND I ARE HAVING A BABY!” She clapped along with her news.  
“oh my god…” I said… I couldn’t help but think back to losing my own baby, and my marriage ending. 

I was closing my eyes and had definitely zoned out for Gods know’s how long when she broke the silence, “oh.. Devi. I’m sorry.. I didn’t mean to make you think about your loss… I just needed to tell someone… I’m so so sorry.”  
“It’s okay… it’s chill. I promise.” I said as I wiped away some tears. “I am so happy for you both, and of course I won’t tell Fabiola, but I don’t think it would like take away from her big day.”  
“It’s more than that.. Oliver is super superstitious that if you tell people too early…” she stopped talking mid sentence, because we both knew what she was about to say. That you might lose the baby if you tell people too early. “Soooooo, how are you, how’s Paxton?” She trailed off.

“Just peachy, girl. Just peachy… no really.. I’m like terrified to see Ben at the wedding.” I confessed.  
“Oh shit… girl. I didn’t even think about that. Shira was talking about the invite to his wedding just the other day.”

“Fuck… Eleanor… I love you… but you’re killing me. You’re saying all the worst things to me today.” I muted the mic so I could scream into my pillow real quick.  
“I’m sorry… I thought you knew… or that you would have been invited… wow I feel so shitty.” I could tell she was about to start crying.  
“Hey… hey… it’s okay. It’s fine. You didn’t know and I’m really happy and excited for you. I love you so much, but I’m gonna go back to sleep, okay girl?” We said our goodbyes, and I knew I wasn’t going to actually get back to sleep.

I couldn’t believe that Ben was getting married already. I mean I knew he was engaged to some stupid ass uggo instagram model. Okay… she wasn’t actually uggo.. but I just figured he’d have a long engagement or something. I screamed into my pillow for a full minute… at least. I just couldn’t believe it. I sent an emergency sos email to Dr. Ryan, who was still my therapist, and within 2 hours she called me. 

“Devi… just breathe. You knew this would happen eventually, and I know it coincides with the fact you’re going to be seeing the man you’re still in love with in just a few weeks. I’m glad you can be happy for Eleanor with her big news. Just remember you are going to be surrounded by all your friends when you see him. You are resilient, and you’ve had a hell of a year, but that’s a testament to how strong YOU are. Just remember your dad is proud of who you are.” Dr. Ryan said to successfully calm me down.

I never stopped going to therapy after my father passed away. Not long into my senior year, she diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder, as well as Cyclothymia bi-polar disorder. I’ve been on medication ever since, and most days I was good. We worked through almost everything together, but things got worse after I lost the baby and my marriage. We talked to each other more often, and she upped the dose on my medication. 

She made me feel better, but after I got off the phone with her, I called Paxton. I relayed all the information I had received today to him.  
“uhhhh, Devi. Don’t be mad at me, but you did actually get invited to Ben and Amanda’s wedding. We both did.. he attached a note saying to give it to you because he didn’t know your current address, and your Mom refused to give it to him….. I just didn’t want to tell you because I knew you were already stressing over seeing him at the wedding. I didn’t want you to have an episode.” He apologized profusely for a few minutes, and I stopped listening to him. 

I hate how all my friends think I’m so fragile. Yes, I’ve lost my shit multiple times over the years. My depression and anxiety reached highs I didn’t know possible, but it was normal. It was completely normal to feel that lost after losing a child, losing a piece of you. There was just so much regret. I should have broken up with Paxton when I knew things weren’t working with us and gone to Ben and told him how I felt. I didn’t though, I was a coward. I had hurt him enough before, and I just didn’t think he would ever take me back. So I’ve just kept these feelings to myself for the last 6 years. I wonder if he thinks of me too. 

“Devi, are you still there?” Paxton said and broke me out of my thoughts.  
“Yeah… sorry. I’m just really in my head today. I think I’m gonna go take a shower.” I let him know I was okay.  
“Okay… but hey I’m going to Hot Yoga in a few hours if you want to join me.” He offered  
“Tempting… I would but I really need to find a dress for Fabiola’s rehearsal dinner. Did you get any of your outfits yet?” I asked.  
“I have not, but James and I were going to go tomorrow after brunch.” He replied.  
I laughed, “Could you guys be any more gay? Where was my brunch invite jerk?” 

We hung up after he begrudgingly invited me to brunch with them. James was his boyfriend that he met two years ago. They were so in love it made me sick. I’m kidding… I’m very happy for them and James was really awesome. I always secretly hoped that Paxton and Trent would get together after he came out to me because Trent started dating their friend Eddie like a year after they had graduated. Paxton did admit to me that Trent was the first person he ever knew he had feelings with that was a man, but they became close and more like brothers. It’s okay though because Eddie was great too. 

I ended up taking a nap instead of going shopping. I decided I was going to beg Pax and James to go shopping with them after brunch that I invited myself to. I got a ping on my iPhone and saw that it was a direct message from none other than Ben Gross who had been on my mind all day…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the second chapter. I'm sorry it's so sad so far. It will get fluffy, I promise! Just need the set up! I think this is another short chapter... please let me know what you think. If you have any thoughts or suggestions, please feel free to let me know. :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Ben's POV.  
> WARNING: There is a flashback to a graduation party, and there is a very brief sex scene! So proceed with caution on that front if you are not comfortable with it. They are both 18 at this point and no longer minors, as I do not feel comfortable writing minors in that way. I had a few people read this over before publishing and they all approved.  
> Please let me know what you think, if you don't like that aspect of it... anything is appreciated.  
> Ben was a lot harder for me to write first person as, which is weird because I relate to him more than Devi.  
> Thank you for reading.

_Hey Devi,  
I just wanted to reach out and make sure you got the invitation to the wedding. We haven’t heard back and need an RSVP as soon as you can. I hope you are doing well, and we look forward to seeing you at Fabiola’s wedding.  
\- Ben_

I wrote and rewrote the message so many times before I finally hit send. I felt kind of dickish reaching out this way but she definitely didn’t have the same phone number, I had already tried. I got Paxton’s address from Shira, and just sent both invites to him. Devi and Paxton both moved to Washington after they graduated college apparently, which seemed odd, and he decided he would make sure to ask when he saw them. 

After I graduated from Yale (I was top of my class, of course), I moved back to California and was two years into my law degree at Stanford University. The original plan was to stay at Yale for my grad program, but when my Dad got sick, I knew I had to move back to California.

There were so many times I wanted to reach out to Devi. I miss her so much every single day, but it’s what she wanted.. at least I thought so. With my Dad being sick, I wanted to talk to her, because she knew what it was like to lose a Dad. It was one of the biggest reasons I was getting married so soon, which my therapist had advised against many times. My parents more or less approved of the woman I was marrying. Amanda had money, family status, and of course, was Jewish. I loved her… but my feelings have never equated to what I felt for Devi… feel for her… the feelings refuse to go away. My Dad didn’t make it any easier. He still asked about Devi and how she was doing any time I saw him. 

I got a ping on my laptop. It was Devi…. She had messaged back. 

_Gross,  
Paxton literally just told me today, so I apologize for that. He said to tell you to put him down for a plus one (His boyfriend James), and count me in too… just me, no plus one here. I’m alright… a lot going on in my life, but I’m alright. I hope you and Amanda are doing well.  
\- Devi_

It was so formal, but she also called me Gross. She mentioned not bringing anyone, yet didn’t say anything in response to seeing me at Fabiola’s wedding. She was so confusing. I don’t know what I expect… we are barely even acquaintances at this point.  
I haven’t even seen her since that time she was at an alumni party with her boyfriend, who became her husband. I heard they divorced. I can’t say I’m surprised… I didn’t sense any sparks there. I also know she lost their child, and I got mad at myself for thinking something somewhat cruel. I never reached out, but I didn’t know what to say. 

I got lost in my thoughts and started thinking about the last time I saw Devi before we went off to college. This happened so often that I had a playlist on my computer called “David”. _Cross My Mind_ by ARIZONA (ft. Kiiara) started playing. 

The last time I saw her before our encounter a few years back was the graduation party I threw at my house. I remember having heard rumors the last few days that Paxton and Devi had broken up, but I saw them together that night and got defeated. They were together for most of the night. 

I was really drunk, and I remember they at some point started up Karaoke in our private theater. I was sitting in the back and watching Devi as she got up there with Paxton, and they did a duet of the song _If the World Was Ending_ by JP Saxe and Julia Michaels. She kept looking at me during this song. I knew Devi had to be drunk because she never sang in front of anyone otherwise, even though she had an incredible voice. I also didn’t know Paxton could sing either.  
I finished my drink and was about to leave the room, but I looked towards her and she made direct eye contact with me as she sang the words

_“But if the world was ending, you'd come over, right?  
You'd come over and you'd stay the night  
Would you love me for the hell of it?  
All our fears would be irrelevant  
If the world was ending, you'd come over, right?  
The sky'd be falling while I hold you tight  
No, there wouldn't be a reason why  
We would even have to say goodbye  
If the world was ending, you'd come over, right?  
You'd come over, you'd come over, you'd come over, right?”_

She didn’t break eye contact throughout the entire rest of the song, and I could see tears forming in her eyes. After she finished singing, everyone was standing and clapping for them, and I lost her in the crowd. I wanted to know what she was thinking. I spent so long trying to find her, and I finally found her in the guest room she had stayed in back in Sophomore year. 

“Hey Ben…” I could tell she had been crying.  
“Is everything okay?” I asked.  
“Not really…Paxton broke up with me a week ago, and that’s okay. I get that… I shouldn’t tell you this but he came out to me and ended things. Our relationship was falling apart anyway, and I was somewhat relieved because it meant we could stay friends. That’s not why everything isn’t okay though. I’m just afraid to go to Princeton… I’m going to be so far away from home and all my friends are going to different schools except Paxton.. he got in on a scholarship from the Aquatics department, but everyone else will be going elsewhere. You’re going to be going somewhere else. Congrats, by the way, getting into Yale.” She offered a small smile.

“Devi, Yale isn’t that far from Princeton ya know… about a two and a half-hour drive.” I said, trying to make her feel a little better. I couldn’t help but feel relieved over the fact they had broken up and there was no chance of them ever getting back together. She then randomly started uncontrollably laughing.  
“Ben…. I had an edible like an hour ago, and I think it just hit. I’m so crossfaded. I had never really done anything but now we’re done with high school, so I thought why not…oh my god. I can’t feel my legs right now.”  
“Alright… moment ruined. I should probably go tell one of your friends.” She yanked my arm as I was leaving the room.  
“You’re my friend, Gross. Right? You should stay. You should also get on my level.” She gave me the cutest little grin and brought out some sour cherry gummy bears. This was the most we had talked to each other in a while, and I didn’t want it to end, so I ate a few and waited for it to kick in. She turned on Finding Nemo and could not stop laughing. 

Just when I thought they were never going to kick in, they did. My whole body felt like it didn’t exist and I felt this extreme tingling in my face. I looked over at her, and she was curled in a ball in the bed and rubbing her face and laughing, and laid down next to her, and we just didn’t break eye contact for I’m not sure how long, but her phone kept ringing, and she finally answered it.

“Yes Paxty, what’s up?” She said with a laugh as she put the phone on speakerphone.  
“Hey I was gonna go, and I just wanted to make sure you are okay, or if you’re still going to Fabiola’s tonight because she wants to leave to.”  
“I’m with Ben, and I’m really high, and I don’t want to move.”  
“Oh… Bennny Boy…. Those finally kicked in… I’m sure you’re safe then. I can call you in the morning if you want?”  
“mhmm, you might need to come pick me up tomorrow” She hung up, and made eye contact with me again.

“Ben…..” She trailed off.  
“Devi…..” I replied.  
“What are you thinking about?”  
“How beautiful you are, and how much I want to kiss you right now.” I couldn’t believe I said it, but it was true. 

She giggled in response and didn’t say anything, but she got closer to me and put her arms around my neck. She still smelled exactly the same as when we were together, and the thought sobered me up a bit. I didn’t move, but I didn’t want her to do anything she would regret or hate me for later on. She interrupted my thoughts with the softest kiss. I kissed her back, and she deepened it and snuggled herself as close to me as possible. Things got passionate very quickly, and I could barely think straight. I had to stop it before it got too far. I didn’t want her to ever regret being with me. Intoxicated kissing does not equal consent.

“Hey Devi, we shouldn’t do anything further. We’re both pretty intoxicated and I would never want you to wake up and regret something with me.”  
“I could never regret anything with you, Ben… but okay… can we go to bed?” She said suddenly yawning.  
“Of course we can,” I responded.

Neither of us were fans of sleeping in our clothes, so we both shed our clothes, and slept in our undergarments. She put her head on my chest, and her arms around me. She was giving me light kisses over and over again until I’m pretty sure she fell asleep. I had missed this so much.  
I barely heard her mumble, but I know I didn’t miss what she had said. “I love you, Ben.” I fell asleep that night the happiest I had been in a long time. 

I half expected to wake up to her gone, but she wasn’t. We had moved to a spooning position in the night. She noticed I was awake, and smiled at me. She then moved herself on top of me and kissed me. At first, it was soft, and it was passionate within a few minutes. She took her bra off, and I kissed her chest. She moaned as I flipped her to be beneath me and she put her hands under my boxer briefs and cupped my ass. She always said she loved my ass. She was moving in a way letting me know that she wanted me. I wanted her so bad, but looked at her, and asked, “are you sure?”  
“I’ve never been more sure.” She said, as she shimmied off her own panties. 

It had been a while since we had been together intimately, but our bodies had never forgotten each other. She held on to me tightly as I entered her, and immediately she was moaning. I remembered her body so well, and I remembered what she liked. She definitely remembered what I liked too. We switched positions a few times, but we ended how we started. She made eye contact with me as we finished, and I could tell she had been crying. 

I caught my breath and cradled her in my arms. “What’s wrong?… did I do something?”  
“No… you were amazing, we’re amazing. I just missed you so much and now we’re leaving for college and I just hate this.” She wiped away her tears.  
“We can make this work. Princeton is not far, and I’d visit you every single weekend. This is all I’ve ever wanted... maybe I could even transfer after a little while.” I suggested, running my hand along her cheek.  
“Ben…. No… Yale is your dream, and Princeton is mine. Long-distance just doesn’t work…even if it is that close. I want you to enjoy college. Everything about it, not be worrying about me.” She looked away as she said this.  
“You matter so much Devi, so much more than any stupid college experience I’m supposed to have.”  
“Ben… I love you, and I honestly never stopped. But… I need to work on myself, I need to be alone, and figure that out. Maybe after college, or a few years in. I don’t want to have you, and then fuck it up again and lose you for good.” She started to get up and put on her clothes.  
“What the FUCK, Devi… this is so fucked up. First, you dump me years ago for Paxton, who dumped you because he was GAY, and meanwhile, I’ve basically been waiting for you to realize I still love you, and you knew how I felt.. I know you knew, and then you sleep with me right before going off to college… I feel kind of used.” I was pretty angry, and I couldn’t even look at her.  
She appeared in front of me, “Ben… It’s not like that. I love you, and I realized I always have… but it’s too soon and college always fucks with people’s relationships. Please… Ben.”

I didn’t say anything for a while. I heard Paxton honk his horn, and she left me a letter that she had taken out of her bag, kissed me on the cheek and I felt a tear fall from her face. I didn’t say anything or look at her. It just hurt too much. We tried talking a few times over the next year, but neither of us ever visited one another, and I still to this day have not read the letter she wrote me.  
My mind snapped back to the present as Amanda was calling from the other room that it was time to leave for Dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by the song that Devi and Paxton sing.   
> If you think my fic should be changed to explicit rather than mature due to the sexual nature in this chapter, please let me know.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taken me so long to update this fic!  
> Because of my Never Have I Ever podcast that I am the primary host of, I've had to do a lot of prep and recording for it the last few weeks. So the creative part of my brain dies after working on it sometimes.  
> I hope you like the chapter! It's kind of short, but I really wanted to get one out since it's been so long.  
> Sorry if there are errors!  
> LMK what you think.

We went to this fantastic brunch place in Seattle called Capitol Cider that James had recommended. I didn’t talk much at brunch and Paxton could tell I had a lot on my mind. 5 mimosas in, I started crying. He took me outside to get some air. 

“I’m sorry for ruining brunch… I'm such a mess right now,” I said, wiping tears from my eyes. 

“It’s okay, Dev, you have reasons to be a mess, and there’s nothing wrong with not being okay sometimes. I know you know that, but just take a minute to remember it,” he said as he enveloped me into a big hug. 

“I just feel like I’m always doing this when we’re with James and I feel bad,” I said while pulling back from our hug. 

“He understands, and he doesn’t hold it against you,” he replied, “we should get back out there though, because James ordered another bottle.”

“My kind of man,” I said with a laugh. 

I paid for brunch, because it was the least I could do crashing their brunch and crying too. We were on our way to a few different shops in Capitol Hill when my phone pinged with another direct message from Ben.

  
  
  
  


_ David, _

_ I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been going through a lot. Fabiola mentioned it a bit the last time I saw her and Aileen. I’ve been thinking about you so much, and I hope we can catch up at the wedding. I’m glad you’ve had Paxton and James around in Washington. I saw your Mom because they wanted to make sure he didn’t have skin cancer on top of his existing brain tumor. I am going to Law school at Stanford because it’s much closer to my Dad than Yale, and they aren’t sure how much time he has left. Not sure why I’m telling you all this, but my Dad and your mom wouldn’t stop talking about they thought we’d be the two getting married. A little funny, right? Anyways, I do hope you are well.  _

_ Take Care, _

_ Ben  _

I didn’t know what to say… I had no clue about almost all of that. My Mom had mentioned seeing Ben at his father’s appointment but none of the rest of it. Should I send him flowers? Is that a thing people do? Fuck, I wish I could be there for him, but he doesn’t need me anyways. He has Amanda, of course. Also I’m going to have to call my Mom about what she was saying to Mr. Gross. If her Mom wanted her to be with Ben, she really never told me that. She said she was relieved that Paxton and I broke up because he knew he wasn’t right for me. I mean, it shouldn’t surprise me because she always loved having him over for family dinner and she was actually nice to him. Also I had no clue he was going to Stanford for his Law degree instead of Yale. I try not to cyber stalk him too much because it just makes me sad. Why was he even telling me any of this… what do I say back. I really need to talk to Fabiola about this eventually, because she didn’t tell me she sees Ben sometimes. I feel completely betrayed by so many people in my life right now. At least I have Paxton… honestly. 

“Hey girl, is everything alright?” Paxton called out to me, I zoned out and completely hadn’t heard anything they were saying. I just handed Paxton my phone from the back seat. He read it, and his expression changed and I could tell he was thinking really hard.

“Well this is… a lot. I can see why you totally checked out just now. I feel like he’s trying to get you to open up to him a little bit… why I’m not sure,” he said while handing my phone back to me, “I think you should be open and honest with him. Maybe he finally wants to be friends after all these years? I mean there’s nothing like a family member getting sick to put everything into perspective. I feel like I really got my shit together when my grandma passed because I wanted to make her proud.” 

“Yeah, maybe. I didn’t realize that’s why you came out, Paxton,” I responded, and put my hand on his shoulder and squeezed reassuringly, “There’s no way she's not completely proud of you.”

“I just knew that not being honest with myself, and others was only going to hurt me later on. I know he’s getting married, but girl you need to tell him how you feel. You will regret it if you don’t,” he said matter of factly. 

Paxton was right. I would regret it if I never told him, but obviously I wasn’t going to do it over DM, but maybe at Fabiola’s wedding. Is that messed up? Iwasn’t sure. Their wedding was the last day of Pride month, June 30th, and they were doing a double bachelorette party in WeHo the weekend before. It was definitely the cutest thing ever, and basically everyone was invited to attend the bachelorette party, and I was wondering if Ben was going and if he was bringing Amanda. Paxton of course was super ready for Pride, but James unfortunately wouldn’t be able to make it down to LA til the day of the wedding. 

James tasked me with keeping an eye on Paxton. “If he has more than 10 jell-o shots, cut him off. If he has more than 4 mixed drinks, cut him off.” He literally had sent me an email with all these things to look out for. I WANT TO ENJOY THE PARTY TOO JAMES. It’s cute how much he cares about Paxton, but also it was a little too much. Paxton had a habit of going too hard though, especially at gay bars and clubs. So I told him I would definitely keep an eye out. 

_ Ben, _

_ I’m really sorry to hear about your Dad. I had no clue. I really hope he's doing as well as he can, and I am sure he’s really happy you are closer to home. It’s funny though, I think you talk to some of my friends more than I do. I miss living in California sometimes because I feel so far away from everyone, and it’s like everyone’s moving on without me. Especially after spending 4 years on the East Coast away from everyone already. Are you going to the double bachelorette party at Pride the weekend before Fab’s wedding? James already tasked me with keeping an eye on Paxton, since he can't come. If you come, maybe you can help me watch him, HAH. We all know that if he wants to do something, no one can stop him. Also… you’re lying… our parents did not say that. That’s wild. Especially my mom? I don’t believe it. Besides, I’m sure your parents love Amanda. She seems like everything they would love. I hope you’re doing well.  _

_ Best, _

_ Devi _

I felt confident in my response to Ben. It wasn’t too personal or sappy… I thought about asking if Amanda was coming to the party if he was, but I didn’t want to come off as desperate. We were about an hour into shopping when I saw a cute vegan doughnut place. I made Paxton and James go in with me. James hated how often Paxton and I didn’t eat well, but I had no plans to change. Paxton works out all the time, so I didn’t see why it mattered. 

I wasn’t finding anything that I liked while we were shopping, so I decided to call it a day. I told them to go on without me, and I stopped into Salt and Straw for a pint of ice cream to take home and called a Lyft. Okay… maybe I do have a problem with my sugar intake… sue me. We made plans to meet up the following evening at a gay bar called Unicorn. It has an arcade downstairs and the Frogger game is always busted and it pisses me off, but their mixed drinks were the best in town. 

When I got home, I decided to take a shower. As soon as I got out, I noticed Ben had messaged me back. I didn’t want to seem desperate so I told myself not to open it for an hour or so. I didn’t want him to think I had no life, and that I was waiting on every word. I had to wait to read it though, because I didn’t want him to see that I read it either. I got ready for bed, and decided to read some cute little poetry books that Eleanor recommended to me to pass the time. I can’t read in silence, so I put on an angsty playlist to go with it. The first song that played was “One Last Time” by Ariana Grande, which made me sad because it always reminded me of Ben. It was my go - to drunk Karaoke song. A bit later, I knew I had to read the message because it was driving me crazy. 

  
  


_ Devi... _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's my Podcast if you are interested https://open.spotify.com/show/3u1ylK4WxUc1SiFr8tTIwy?si=gjfQyEjgR0uc-Qszq8aukg
> 
> Sorry for the cliffhanger ;)


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